Worse than dying, it may be, is being left behind. There is no describing grief, often no sharing it; no bearing it and yet we bear it. Few escape it. It’s universal. Japan, most rapidly aging nation on Earth, is in a sense a dying nation, therefore a grieving one. 2023 set a new record for deaths – 1.6 million – as did 2022, as no doubt will 2024 and many years to come And few die without leave grieving survivors.
Life goes on. There are moments when one might wish it didn’t. They are overcome, somehow. Shukan Gendai’s article on “Men Living Alone” (June 8-15) is really a study of bereavement. Why it treats of men exclusively is an open question. Possibly it sees women as better able to cope with pain and loneliness. Be that as it may, the men it profiles eventually come to terms with their new lives. That they come to think of it as such says much about human resilience.
Poet and cell biologist Kazuhiro Nagata, 77, lost his wife, poet Yuko Kawano, to breast cancer 14 years ago. “She lives in my memory,” he reflects – an insight born of pain and fed on time. “She’ll die only when I do.” It gave him what he needed most: a reason for living.
He’s fortunate in a way. There was time to say goodbye. Not so for actor Shinzaburo Yamazaki, 75. The accidental death five years ago of his wife, actress Ayami Imamura, was a bolt out of the blue. A full happy life suddenly lay in ruins around him. How does the soul absorb such a blow? Numbness, an essential cushion, sets in but is fleeting. It fades and you’re on your own.
Nagata turned to his wife’s poems for solace. “I read them in a whole new way,” he says. “I read them remembering what they referred to.” He arranged them for publication and turned to other matters. Housework, for instance. That had been her domain. He knew nothing. “To her I was a man who couldn’t do anything. ‘Look,’ I say to her, ‘here’s my new self.’” He hopes she approves.
He took over the two cats Kawano lovingly raised. When they died he replaced them – for her.
He works hard. He writes poetry, pursues cell research, contributes scientific articles to science journals. “I’ve never been busier,” he says. “I’ve no time to be sad.” How literally should we take that?
Yamazaki’s wife’s death came just as he was being harassed by financial difficulties.
Still in shock, he moved out of Tokyo to Tokushima in Shikoku, into a one-room flat near his sister’s place. “Every day is Sunday,” he says – not happily, the reader infers. His acting now confined to local theater, and less and less of that as he grows older, he fears becoming “one of those old men who do nothing.”
“Doing nothing” has many meanings – going to seed, or hard-earned rest; lethargy, or meditation; despair at society’s having cast you off, or triumph at having transcended the prosaic goals society sets for us. Shukan Gendai quotes the German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860) “A man can be himself only so long as he is alone; if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom; for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.” Yamazaki may learn that. Maybe he has already. Or maybe he’s learning something else, something Schopenhauer never knew.
Schopenhauer was a notoriously crusty, sour old bachelor who seemed to relish personal misery as proof of a major theme of his: “If the immediate and direct purpose of our life is not suffering, then our existence is the most ill-adapted to its purpose in the world.” There’s no lack of supporting evidence, and whether lonely grief trumps or is trumped by war, hunger, disease or any of the other “thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to” is a question without an answer.
Three parting thoughts, from three modern thinkers Shukan Gendai cites:
“Loneliness is not the absence of people but the distance between people,” says philosopher Kiyoshi Miki. Buddhist priest Gakugen Yoshimizu, who brings what comfort he can to the ill, the homeless and the lonely, observes, “Sorrow cries out to be expressed” – but often cannot be. Verbal skill tends to wane with age, he says. Or it may not. There must be people whose verbal mastery grows with age – which wouldn’t help much, however, if there’s no one around to express our sorrow to, a problem addressed by theologian Susumu Shimazono, whose friend lost his wife suddenly and retreated indoors and inward, spending whole days staring blankly at the TV, causing Shimazono to reflect that something seems missing in Japanese society. He sees no equivalent in Japan of something you often come across in parks in China and South Korea: clusters of old men playing shogi or mahjongg. He mentions the town of Fujisato in Akita Prefecture. Once known for its high suicide rate, it set up in 2003 a “salon” where anyone could drop in anytime for talk and conviviality. The suicide rate fell.
© Japan Today
21 Comments
Login to comment
kohakuebisu
My knowledge of philosophy is limited to the Monty Python Philosopher's song sung by their "Bruces" characters. "Wittingstein was beery swine who was just as sloshed as Schlegel" etc. etc.
I'll have to read some actual philosophy sometime.
Makoto Shimizu
Loneliness is Japan is a cruel fact, reality. The mentioned salon created by Fujisato city, Akita province should be an example to be followed, adopted by all cities in Japan, could be an 24 hours open place, with comfortable seats, table games as chess, library with books, newspapers, magazines, coffee shop, restaurants, karaoke, TV room, cats, dogs, flowers, garden. Could charge a small fee. Anyway, initiatives could be taken to provide people alone to meet others for friendship and who knows, to find someone to share companionship.
Sanjinosebleed
I like the idea of chess or shogi in the park or clubs for the elderly and lonely to attend.
Laguna
I'm 59. My wife died a year ago, and since then, I have been alone. I miss her terribly - we were best friends and spent most of our time together. Thus, I didn't have much of a backup when she died.
I have one friend now who visits regularly, another sporadically, and I email with my family frequently. I've also taken up cooking again - my wife had banned me from the kitchen.
I'm sure that as time passes I'll take up a new hobby and make more friends. Fortunately, I enjoy being alone. But I can see how it would drive more social people crazy.
Strangerland
Oh wow, I'm very sorry to hear this. I hope you can find some peace and comfort.
Laguna
Strangerland, UAfan - Thanks, guys. I never thought I'd get used to it, but gradually, I am. My daughter, who now lives in the States, and my son, who lives in Tokyo, will both visit from Thursday. There wasn't much to clean because I only live in two rooms of an eight-room house.
Ramsey's Kitchen
An article that makes one think about things.
Makoto Shimizu - good post / suggestion. Laguna - I hope you'll discover that new hobby / activity to enjoy soon and perhaps a new friend or two as well.
I second what Strangerland and UAfan posted above. In some small ways social media including boards like this can also help a little bit with filling in some of that void. Communicating and discussing different topics ( despite the occasional differences in opinion :) can be a good thing.
DenTok2009
Re: Actor Shinzaburo Yamazaki, 75
I wonder whether he could keep himself busy by doing one man shows. He could play a scene, read his wife's poetry or just talk about life.
I guess most elderly women cope with loneliness by working part-time and joining a class or two. One of my co-workers who is working one or twice a week for a few hours doesn't need the paycheck. She told me that chatting with people, whether her age or younger, is why she works. Some of the younger workers are rude and don't care to shoot the breeze with her. (I found out that they can't be bothered to hold a conversation with someone older.) She's joined a yoga class or some exercise class for the elderly and a crotchet class.
GuruMick
Man thats a sad article...and Laguna...I send love to you.
When my Mum died after a long illness from cancer {I sort of dislike the term "battle " with cancer } , I wanted to write something for the ceremony of scattering her ashes.
I researched a little and remember well two things.
1/ Buddha explained to his followers not to grieve his death. Death comes for everyone and is a part of existence.
2/Indian belief is not grieving for a really long time as that interrupts the passage to rebirth.
NipponIchiGo
Bravo to JapanToday on publishing a thoughtful article on a difficult subject. It is something most all of us will need to deal with sooner or later - good to think about it now and be ready for the time best as possible. This piece touches nicely on some of the core pieces that I see my mom going through 2 years after my step-father's passing.
Thanks
Tim Sullivan
You won't be lonely if you're rich, but watch out for the gold diggers!
fallaffel
Quite scary to think about this happening. I've never really lived alone, and imagine it would be extremely difficult to start at a late age (especially in Japan). Much respect to those who have been through this and kept going strong.
Tim Sullivan
If you fail, it's your own fault -- that's capitalism.
tom toto
life style is driven by Corp./super riches greeds, family is getting smaller because it is unaffordable, separated by job opportunity, less quality time with family due to job fatigue. focus on job instead of family because of job security, work like slave so Corp. can meet and exceed target to boost quarterly results so executives make more $, need we say more? Furthermore, politicians who by definition work for constituents but name only, they're owned by Corp. These are a few factors make life less pleasant, & shrinking. I do wonder as am looking around me on a remote pacific island, why these folks who have a lot less, not seem, but are happy with their lives while I dread going back to the daily grinds? Love and be loved, y'all.
From afar and bottom of my heart, wish everyone the best life has to offer.
Gene Hennigh
This is a difficult subject for me. I now live a life best called isolation. Solitude is not strong enough of a term. But since I have no option, I've grown used to the isolation. Divorce hit me hard 20 years ago and I've lost touch with my daughter. I have a couple of friends I see every month or two, which is always a boost for me, but I've simply come to enjoy the solitude. I sure do read a lot.
As for people like Luguna, all I can say is keep trying to hold your head up, make some pals, and, having been it that situation, I know just how hard it can be. There are times I think of people in my situation and I hope they can keep on till things get better.
Boris Yarovoy
We are all so different and so similar. I am 60 years old and am surviving in a taiga village in Russia and I have no friends - all the men my age have died. There are only women around, but I don’t need anything from them except sex. But they want more, but I have nothing (only an old laptop). Therefore, I dream of making money and then I will have sex with women again. You can buy a lot of things with money - you can have cataract surgery, insert teeth, you can buy all sorts of delicious food. And dream of living to be 84 years old, and then the singularity will come and the whole world will be completely different.
kohakuebisu
Good luck to you Laguna. That's so sad, and really hits home. I'm 55 and my wife is still with me, but I'd imagine I'd be in the same situation were I to lose her.
With the falling rate of people in relationships and getting married, its common to see articles about riffing on why folks aren't coupling up. Such articles often talk about personal freedom or finances, but they rarely spend much time talking about companionship, or companionship as a positive or goal to be sought. Its talked talked about more as the loniliness experieced by those without a partner. "I want to get married to share my life with someone" perhaps that idea could be put in people's heads. If sharing your life is a goal, there is also more incentive to not judge people by their faults and see the good in them.
tigerjane
My teen's father will be one of those men, a very selfish individual who loves his money more than life itself. He has only one child, the one we share and fought every step of the way to deny and now in his mid 50's, a bachelor and all alone and an individual that will never marry because he does not like to share.
buchailldana
Sending good thoughts to Laguna.
I feel for you.
In my area there are a lot of small apartments with single older men.
Finished working and finished with their usefulness.
In the past five years at least six or seven have died.
The police get called by the landlord, maybe then a hearse and a cheap cremation.
It's hard to see as you try to say hello when they pass by.
But they are just killing time, no one to speak to, no one cares.
Gone in an instant and never missed.
Really sad in a way